When do everyday fibs cross the line?

Most of us tell what we perceive to be harmless or trivial lies, but how can they impact relationships over time? Here, we examine the drip effect of micro-lies, and how to navigate an undertow of too many untruths

"The traffic was terrible,” is an excuse I’m sure many of us have used when running late. Sometimes, we all need to fudge the facts a little, especially when it comes to protecting our image or, perhaps, avoiding an argument.

But do these pocket-sized porkies – from a polite lie to avoid awkwardness, or a convenience lie to save time – come with a price tag? If so, what’s the gradual toll on our relationships, or ourselves, for that matter? And what do we do if we find ourselves being lied to?

What counts as a micro-lie?

Lying – whether it’s about the intention or the impact of dishonesty, or even our ability to recognise when someone is telling a lie – is a concept many of us have an interest in. From the numerous podcast episodes featuring body language experts who specialise in detecting lies to the many television programmes centred on duplicity – such as Big Little Lies and Would I Lie to You? – the concept is something we find relatable and, at times, compelling. Why else would The Traitors – the popular reality show of deception – be such a worldwide hit?

However, we’re not talking about anything prolific here, nor are we dealing with pathological lies, which are excessive and compulsive, or mythomania. It’s also worth noting there can be instances where hiding the truth might be done to protect your or someone else’s wellbeing, particularly in situations or relationships where you may feel unsafe.

Here, we’re focusing on those ‘day-to-day’ fibs, which may seem harmless on the surface, but can gradually build up, coalescing in a current of distrust in relationships, as well as, perhaps, a level of internal disconnection.

And it seems we may, generally, underestimate how often we tell a fib, with a study by the University of Massachusetts (notably from 2002), published in the Journal of Basic and Applied Social Psychology, reporting that 60% of participants told at least one lie during a 10-minute conversation. While more recent research, from 2022 in Communication Monographs, found that 75% of survey respondents told up to two lies per day, accounting for 7% of total communication – but, notably, 90% of these lies were considered ‘white lies’.

So, what propels us to lie, and what are some common examples of micro-lies we say in everyday life?

Types of micro-lies

Believe it or not, many of the micro-lies we tell are motivated by “altruistic reasons”, as a 2022 study published in the Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science notes, which also identifies avoiding “negative evaluation” as a cause.

In other words, we spin a yarn to escape causing discomfort, or to build rapport. “I don’t want the last chocolate,” or “Your haircut looks nice,” are familiar fibs, known as prosocial lying, that often have a good-hearted intention of maintaining harmony. Sometimes, in short, we tell white lies in relationships because we care.

Then there are the lies embedded in cultural or traditional expectations, such as the tooth fairy, that parents tell to foster a sense of enchantment or wonder in their children.

And there’s even a TikTok ‘lying era’ trend, with one popular social media post talking about telling lies to strangers as a way of ‘trying on’ different identities. It might sound pretty harmless, but, like everything in life, lying is multi-layered, and what if we’re unintentionally reducing someone’s autonomy by altering a sense of reality, even if it’s only by a pinch?

How do lies snowball in relationships?

When we tell micro-lies, it can change the power dynamics of relationships. By suggesting we know best in that situation, or by presuming that our loved one can’t handle the truth, we can create ambiguity and disconnection, leaving them feeling invalidated, and potentially underpowered.

Not only can micro-lies be misleading, but they can also spiral out of control. Research supports this idea, particularly regarding the brain’s adaptation to lying. A 2016 article, published in the journal Nature Neuroscience, reveals that small, self-serving lies tend to increase with repetition due to reduced amygdala sensitivity in the brain: “The findings uncover a biological mechanism that supports a ‘slippery slope’: what begins as small acts of dishonesty can escalate into larger transgressions.”

Essentially, a minor lie may escalate into bigger and more frequent ones, which may further weaken the close bonds in relationships that thrive on trust, intimacy, and honesty.

On top of this, presenting a distorted version of ‘how things are’ not only creates an atmosphere of suspicion and disconnection, but is also, interestingly, stressful for the person misrepresenting the facts.

Caught in a web of lies

Constantly having to stay alert when stretching the truth, even when it comes from a compassionate or protective place, can be draining and stressful. In fact, 2023 research in the British Journal of Social Psychology reports the psychological toll of telling lies, including white lies, from the “liar’s side of the story”, with participants reporting lower self-esteem on days when they told an untruth.

Telling micro-lies not only inadvertently dupes others, but also distances us from our sense of self-worth and, perhaps, from our integrity.

And it’s not just fibbing to our friends and family to save face or spare feelings; it’s also the habitual micro-lies we tell ourselves to avoid certain situations, or conflicts that we need to look out for.

So, how do we manage this? Telling half-truths, whether to ourselves or others, to avoid complex feelings, can be addressed through self-awareness – making a conscious effort to notice when we slip into telling them, any patterns, and how we feel about them. This involves identifying triggers and scenarios that lead to micro-lies, remembering that even small fibs can, ultimately, be a source of stress.

What to say when dealing with dishonesty

It’s understandable to feel misled or betrayed when someone you love lies to you, even on a small scale. If you’re seeking to confront micro-lies to rebuild trust, recognising the possible underlying cause can be helpful, as can explaining your expectations going forward.

Sometimes, telling fibs starts as a way to avoid rejection or feeling unsafe while growing up, especially when it comes to preventing judgement or disappointment. So, saying something like, “For me, I feel safer knowing the truth, even if it stings a bit!” can show that you have different ways of handling honesty, while emphasising it’s possible to be genuine, without being hurtful. The truth leads to greater relationship satisfaction, after all.

Plus, approaching the conversation with curiosity can be a valuable way to communicate, especially when things escalate. For example, you could say: “It’s easy to be impulsive when you’re caught off guard, and I can see how that narrative can run away from you. But this went too far, and, instead, I’d like to understand what really happened – even if it’s tricky to talk about.”

Staying centred while avoiding an ‘interrogator’ role may encourage your partner, friend, or child to feel more open and honest. Because honesty is usually, as the saying goes, the best policy.