Parenting teenagers can feel like a tug-of-war between holding tight and letting go. Here, we explore how to cultivate a healthy connection with your teen, even when you feel worlds apart
Even though it’s been 30 years, it feels like only yesterday I was navigating the rocky path of adolescence. And now, at the age of 14, my eldest child is standing at the start of her own journey of enormous change.
As a parent of a teenage daughter, I notice fluctuations and differences in her behaviour as she’s growing up, and leaving the ‘old her’ and familiar ways of parenting behind can be confusing and overwhelming at times, but it’s also exciting and empowering as new, unexplored parts of her identity emerge.
If, like me, you’re finding the transition tricky, here we talk about the teenage mind, how to embrace their independence, and what to say to stay connected.
What’s on their mind?
Well, quite a lot. Not only is your teenager grappling with the physical changes of puberty, but they’re also searching for a sense of who they are amid social media pressure, peer influence, and academic stress. These demands may cause your child to retreat or lose interest in things, and may also lead to feelings of self-criticism or self-doubt.
On top of this, often, teenagers face communication obstacles, worrying about being judged and feeling unable to express or label their complex feelings, which can lead to impulsive reactions, unhealthy behaviour, or uncertainty. In response to this, parents may unknowingly adjust their parenting style, for example, becoming more protective or authoritative as a way to cope with the behavioural changes. In fact, a 2022 study published in Developmental Psychology finds that parents exhibit increased discipline when raising teenagers.
Additionally, a small Search Institute study noted that parents of children aged nine to 18 years old are more likely to ‘express care’ and less likely to ‘share power’ – in other words, give their teenager a say, which, according to the research, is a part of the letting-go process.
As I delve deeper into the nuances of bringing up teenagers, both personally and professionally, I’m coming to understand that these changes in behaviour, whether from the parent or the child, can be rooted in a fear of the unknown or a discomfort from the unpredictability of this new phase, causing potential friction within the relationship.
Life coach and mentor, Liz Hennessy, opens up about her experience of raising a teenager: “As a mum of a teenage son, I have learnt about communication the hard way, and some days I wondered if the ‘battle’ would ever end. I realised that something had to change, and that change had to come from me.”
Ten tips from life coach, Liz Hennessy
1. Talk with your teen in a relaxed setting, such as the car.
2. Put down your phone and be present in the moment.
3. Discover what they enjoy doing and use this to establish common ground.
4. Build a life of your own.
5. Don’t beat yourself up if you get it wrong.
6. Apologise when you need to.
7. Keep showing up, not just when they’re at their best.
8. Say less and listen more.
9. Observe and validate their feelings when they share.
10. Set age-appropriate boundaries.
What to say and what not to say
So, what changes can we make as parents to create a supportive environment where our teenagers feel safe and comfortable connecting with us?
Well, Liz emphasises the importance of listening, believing that we can gain insight into our child’s world when we are truly present with them. From personal experience, she suggests not pushing the matter if they’re not in the right frame of mind, but rather waiting until they’re ready. And when they come to you, Liz suggests stopping what you’re doing to focus solely on their needs.
“We don’t like to see our children in pain, and there is a great temptation to jump in and ‘fix’ it or tell them what to do,” she explains. “From experience, this can backfire, and I noticed when I empathised and validated his feelings first before helping to work out a solution, he was much more receptive in the discussion.”
You will, of course, be curious about your teenager’s mental health, potentially worrying about how they will handle the pressures of school, friends and technology. Being attentive is positive, but how you convey this close attention is key to effective communication, especially as they lean into independence and the difficult decisions that come with it, such as identity, substance use, and dating.
Try asking open-ended questions, such as, “What are your thoughts on …? ” And “Could you help me understand more about this?” And avoid questions that may make them feel silly, criticised, or judged, such as, “Why are you being like this?” Or, “Why aren’t you like them instead?” Open lines of communication will help you have healthy and honest discussions as you explore new ways of togetherness.
Letting go and looking forward
Liz also touches on the delicate balance between letting go of the reins whilst ensuring they’re safe to explore the world. Stepping in, especially when it comes to their safety or mental health, is, of course, necessary at times. Your nurturing instinct is what makes you a great parent, after all. But, allowing your teen’s independence to blossom steadily is also an expression of your care, as you’re celebrating their strength, growth, and resilience.
“The process of letting go as a mother was, and still can be, painful, as I am no longer needed in the same way. It has been an inward journey, ensuring I handle conversations in an age-appropriate way, remaining respectful, and role-modelling the behaviour I would like him to adopt, rather than what he might see on social media and TV,” says Liz. She remarks on the strong bond they now share, enjoying fun activities and spending time together.
It’s this open-minded yet grounded approach that encourages your teenager to discover their view of the world, whilst counting on you to catch them if they fall. Remember, we’re all just figuring it out, but one thing we can take comfort in is that we’re growing together through it all.
