In her first column for Happiful, life coach Kate Kilby dissects what we really mean when we talk about a ‘midlife crisis’, and offers an alternative that has growth, redirection, and joy at its core
Whether you’ve watched a midlife crisis play out on TV, witnessed it in others, or are living through one yourself, chances are you see it as something emotionally turbulent, confusing, and daunting to navigate. Given that ‘crisis’ is usually defined as ‘a time of intense difficulty or danger’, it’s no wonder the term harbours negative connotations.
For some, a trigger like the loss of a job, an ended relationship, children leaving home, or a health scare might prompt them to scrutinise their life with fresh eyes. For many, it’s a more subtle, whispering dissatisfaction that grows into an obnoxious yell, which is confusing and unsettling when everything looks fine on paper. That disconnect can amplify self-doubt and ignite an existential angst that has you questioning everything. Feeling trapped in the responsibility and monotony of daily life, while squirming with restlessness as time ticks on faster with each passing year.
But what if this time wasn’t a period of danger or difficulty, but one of opportunity? Choosing to acknowledge and meet these emotions with curiosity can translate them into helpful signals that will direct you towards a better path. What if instead of a midlife crisis, it was navigated as a midlife realignment, or even celebrated as a midlife reinvigoration?
When we’re younger, the idea that we will outgrow something is expected. Romantic relationships, jobs, friendships – even clothes and personal style! Experimenting, trying new experiences, and learning about who you are and what fits you is encouraged. Then, somewhere in adulthood, we stop doing that. Meanwhile, expectations build around us, and more responsibility is draped over us. But, in truth, we never stop growing. As life moves around us, internal shifts are happening too. Midlife is a key period where any disparity between diverging inner and outer worlds starts to feel more pronounced. The associated feelings are the neon signs asking us to pay attention to the gap.
I attribute this gap to ‘decision drift’. We make one decision at a time, based on where we are and what we think we want next. That’s all we can do. But without paying close attention, a chain of logical, satisfactory steps can unwittingly drift you off-centre. Then, one day, years later, you open your eyes and realise you’re not standing where you thought (or hoped) you’d be. And this is where the midlife ‘crisis’ comes to play.
If you drifted on a car journey after distractedly missing several turnings, or following the stream of traffic, you might feel lost, stuck, or regretful. But you wouldn’t park in a layby and admit defeat. Nor would you abandon the car and wander off in search of a new one. You’d pause, check the GPS destination, update it if necessary, re-orient yourself, assess how far off route you’ve gone, and then turn the steering wheel to follow the new directions – consciously, intentionally, one road at a time.
Start your own midlife realignment with a brief life audit. Find a Wheel of Life template online – or simply draw a circle and carve it into eight segments, labelling each with a key life zone, e.g., career, relationships, family, health, fun, creativity, etc. Score each area on a scale of one (low satisfaction) to 10 (full satisfaction). What do you notice? Which areas are most important to you, and do your scores reflect their importance? You could also work with a coach to define your core values, to understand what truly matters and intrinsically drives you.
This is like recalibrating your inner compass, helping you find direction.
Next, become (re)acquainted with both the younger you who has been forgotten, and the current you who’s been overlooked amidst demands and distractions. Reconnecting to the different parts of you will help you decide the route and enjoy the journey. What hobbies, interests, and passions did you enjoy as a child or teenager? What’s been tugging at your curiosity lately? When have you felt most content, proud, engrossed, excited, or satisfied – whether years ago or just last week? Do you notice any patterns or commonalities?
Ultimately, questioning things doesn’t mean you’ve got it all wrong up until now. It’s like pausing at half-time to assess the game so far and strategise on how best to continue play. Why not start looking at midlife as a timely opportunity to listen to what you need, reconnect with who you are today, and then use those insights to reorient, realign, and re-invigorate the rest of your story? I have a feeling the next chapter is going to be the best yet.
