How to speak to your child about their ADHD or autism diagnosis

Explaining neurodiversity to your child isn’t easy, but it can help to set them up for success

When you choose to talk to your child about their autism or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) diagnosis is a personal decision. There’s no one ‘perfect’ moment to have this conversation, but 2020 research, published in the journal Autism, suggests that helping children gradually understand themselves from an early age can boost their self-esteem.

Opening up this conversation also creates space for your child to connect with others who share similar experiences, and to begin forming a positive sense of identity. Just as importantly, it lays the foundation for learning how to advocate for themselves as they grow older.

So, how can you help your child understand themselves better, and see their strengths?

Find out what they know

“Start by asking your child if they know anything about ADHD or autism,” says therapist Annabelle Hird. “If they say yes, ask them what they know, and if they know anyone with a diagnosis. This way, you can have an understanding of where you are starting from.”

You may worry about making them feel ‘different’ or out of place, but, as Annabelle explains, the goal is to help your child understand how they think, feel, and experience the world.

“Imagine being given a gadget which you know is capable of all sorts of wonderful things, but you have been given the wrong instructions,” says Annabelle. “Getting a diagnosis is about getting the right instructions. I have worked with adults who had been ‘using the wrong instructions’ their whole childhood, and it has had a lasting impact on what they believe they are capable of achieving.”

Don’t rush

Your child might well have questions about themselves already. If not, they may need some time to process their diagnosis before having a deeper conversation.

“In this case, don’t rush,” says Annabelle. “You will be further along a journey of understanding than they are, so, you may need to go back to collect and guide them along their path.”

“You could start by explaining how different brains work in different ways, and need different things, asking if there is anything they think their brain needs.”

Model curiosity

Understandably, many parents worry that they don’t know enough about ADHD or autism themselves, but you don’t need to have all the answers. What matters most is showing curiosity and openness, which can help to set the right tone.

“Big feelings are very normal, so do your best to sit alongside your child as they become more comfortable with the new territory they are navigating,” adds Annabelle.

Try visual aids

If your child processes visually, pictures and images can help to explain their diagnosis. “You will be speaking in a language that comes easily to them, rather than one that involves them doing an awful lot of work to decipher,” says Annabelle. “You may find that, particularly for older children, explanatory videos on YouTube may be your friend.”

Find inspiration

Role models with diagnoses can be helpful in showing children that their differences are shared, and nothing to be ashamed of. For active children, gold-medal-winning gymnast Simone Biles is open about having ADHD.

Environmentalist Greta Thunberg has also spoken publicly about being autistic, offering a powerful example of pride and advocacy. And for younger children, TV shows, like Sesame Street, have introduced autistic characters to help make neurodiversity visible and relatable.

“You may even want to speak to their school to find out if there is an older pupil with a diagnosis who they feel your child would like, and is willing to act as a mentor,” says Annabelle.

Focus on their strengths

You know your child best, including the qualities that make them shine. They might be caring and sensitive, or musical and creative. Talk to them about the things they enjoy, as well as the things they find more challenging, so they can begin to understand the full picture of who they are.

Help them ask for support

Explain that everyone has needs, and that having them met helps people learn, feel safe, and enjoy school. For example, some people need glasses, others need quiet time. Emphasise that it’s always good to ask for help.

“It might be useful to talk about which members of staff they feel most able to talk to at school,” says Annabelle.

Younger children will need support to understand their needs and to ask for help, so you’ll often be advocating on their behalf. Over time, the aim is to guide them towards doing this more independently as they grow in confidence.

Annabelle says: “You’ll soon have a hugely self-aware young person on your hands, who is ready to explore the world with an internal map that takes them the routes that are best suited to them.”