Children don't always grieve in the ways we expect. Understanding how they process loss can help you support them with compassion, honesty, and reassurance, while making space for your own grief, too.
For many children, losing a pet is their first experience of bereavement. It can be a confusing and emotional time, bringing big feelings and difficult questions that children may struggle to express.
As a parent or caregiver, it can be hard to know how best to support them – particularly when you're grieving too. But you don’t need to have all the answers. By creating space for honest, open conversation, validating your child’s feelings, and recognising grief as an ongoing process rather than a single moment, you can help them to feel safe, supported, and understood as they find their own way through loss.
Here, we explore some of the ways children experience pet loss, and how you can support them now and as time goes on.
For many children, this is their first experience of grief
For many children, the death of a pet can be their first experience of loss and grief. As parents or people who care for them, it can feel like you need to find the ‘right’ thing to say. But what children often need most is honesty, reassurance, and the knowledge that it’s safe to share how they are feeling.
Children’s understanding of death develops over time. A young child may struggle to understand that death is permanent, while older children may be dealing with more complex emotions like sadness, guilt, or even anger. Rather than expecting them to grieve in the same way as adults, try to meet them where they are.
Giving them space to ask questions, share memories, or simply sit with their feelings can help them begin to make sense of what’s happened, so they know they don’t have to face it alone.
As Child Bereavement UK recommends, being clear and honest is important. “Be honest with the child about what has happened, using age-appropriate language that they can understand, avoiding any confusing terms or expressions. Use the words ‘died’ and ‘dead’ rather than ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘lost’ when telling them.
These terms can lead to confusion, especially in younger children who may wonder if they can wake up the pet who has ‘gone to sleep.’”
Children often process grief through play
It can feel surprising to see some children return to laughing, playing, or talking about unrelated topics soon after the death of a pet. While it may seem like they have moved on or are less affected than you might initially have anticipated, these can be ways that children express themselves and their grief differently.
Children frequently process difficult emotions through play, drawing, storytelling, or creative activities. They may act out real-life events using toys, create pictures of their pets or how they are feeling, or move between moments of sadness and everyday play. This is a natural way of making sense of experiences that can feel overwhelming or confusing.
As Counselling Directory explains, children may not have the words to express how they are feeling. Having other ways they can express themselves and their grief can be helpful.
Keeping familiar routines in place can provide a sense of comfort and security. Everyone grieves differently – including children and young people. Ensuring they have the space and freedom to express themselves in their own way, without the same expectations you may have for an adult, can help them to feel supported as they process their loss.
Play therapy is a type of therapy that can help children communicate at their own level and pace. Using different activities and techniques like storytelling, roleplay, dance and movement, drawing, toys, arts and crafts, musical instruments, and sensory play, a therapist helps children to process their thoughts and feelings in an age-appropriate way, to help with a variety of experiences children may have, including the death of a pet or loved one.
Why do children ask the same questions after a pet dies?
If your child asks the same questions over and over again after the death of a pet, it can be a sign they are trying to make sense of what has happened. Trying to process grief and understand death can feel confusing, upsetting, and overwhelming for children, young people, and adults, too.
Children rarely process grief all at once. Instead, they may revisit the same thoughts and questions as they begin to piece together what happened. Younger children may struggle to understand some concepts, like that death is permanent. They may ask when their pet will come home or when they can see them again. They may also repeat questions as a way of seeking reassurance and comfort from someone they trust.
It can feel emotionally draining to answer the same questions, but responding with patience and honesty, using age-appropriate language, can help children to gradually build their understanding while reinforcing that it’s safe to come to you with their worries.
Why grief doesn't always happen straight away
We all grieve differently, and children are no exception. Not everyone shows signs of grief immediately after learning of the death of a pet. Some children may look like they are carrying on as usual, playing with friends, going to school, or talking about everyday things like nothing has changed. While this can be surprising or may worry you at first, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they aren’t grieving.
Children often process grief gradually. It can take time for things to sink in, to understand what has happened, and for feelings of sadness, anger, worry, or confusion to emerge. For some people, this may take days, while for others, it may be weeks or even months.
You might notice changes in their behaviour, like becoming more clingy, withdrawing from activities they usually enjoy, or having trouble concentrating. There is no ‘right’ timeline for when – or how – children grieve. It can be helpful to check in regularly to see how they are feeling overall, and to give them the opportunity to talk about their pet and how they are feeling. It can also be helpful to share happy memories together, and to remind them that they can talk about how they are feeling whenever they are ready.
Memorialising your pet
Finding meaningful ways to remember a beloved pet can help children express their grief while celebrating the love and memories they shared. Creating a lasting tribute can also remind them that, although their pet has died, the bond they shared will always remain.
Creating a memory box together or making a scrapbook of memories can be one way of thinking back over positive memories together. Having a ceremony or memorial for their pet, or writing a goodbye letter, can also help.
Psychotherapist Katy Acton, MBACP, shares the importance of rituals and remembering while navigating pet bereavement. “Rituals such as planting a tree in their memory or making a memory box containing their things may help you honour how much they meant. At first, it might be hard to look at photographs or walk where you once went, but in time you may feel more able to do this, hopefully finding comfort in the memories.”
There’s no right way to remember a beloved pet. What matters is choosing something that feels meaningful for your family.
Helping your child while processing your own grief
Supporting a grieving child can feel especially challenging when you’re mourning the loss of a beloved pet, too. You may feel like you have to stay strong or hide how you are feeling. It’s important to remember that your grief matters as well.
Seeing a trusted adult expressing sadness in a calm, healthy way can be helpful for your child, too. While it’s natural to want to protect them, seeing how you process your grief can help them to understand that how they are feeling isn’t wrong or bad. Grief is a natural response to the death of a loved one.
Let them know that you are feeling sad, too. Reassure them that they are safe, loved, and can talk to you – or someone else they trust – about their loss.
Remember: you don’t have to carry everything on your own. Friends and family can help, or if you think a little more support might be helpful, speaking with a pet bereavement counsellor can help you to feel better equipped to support your child and yourself. Looking after yourself isn’t taking time away from supporting them. It’s an important part of helping your whole family – yourself included – navigate this loss together.
When extra support might help
While grief is a natural response to losing a beloved pet, there may be times when you feel your child – or you – would benefit from a little extra support. If you are worried about how your child might be coping, you may consider reaching out to talk with a childhood bereavement counsellor.
Speaking with a therapist can give your child the space to express themselves and open up in a neutral environment. Some people feel more comfortable opening up with a counsellor, as they may not feel the pressure to be strong for loved ones, or may not feel the need to try and hide how they are feeling.
Depending on their age, this may involve talking, creative activities, or play-based approaches that help them express emotions they don't yet have the words for. Reaching out for support isn't a sign that you're doing something wrong – it's simply another way of helping your child feel understood and supported through their grief.
Revisiting grief as they grow
Grief doesn’t always stay the same. As children grow and mature, so too does their understanding of death. This can mean that they may revisit the loss of a beloved pet months or even years later. This can mean that a younger child who notices their pet is ‘gone’ may later understand the permanence of death, or reflect more deeply on what that relationship meant to them.
While this can feel unexpected, it doesn’t mean they are starting the grieving process all over again. Instead, think of it as them making sense of the same loss with a new emotional understanding. It can be helpful to be open to talking about their pet and what happened, sharing memories, asking and answering questions at different stages of their childhood to help them feel supported and remind them it’s ok to talk whenever those feelings may resurface.
Supporting your child through grief, one step at a time
The death of a pet can be a heartbreaking experience for the whole family. While you may not always know the right words to say, your presence, patience, and willingness to listen can make a difference. Creating a safe space for your child to ask questions, express their feelings, and remember their pet in their own way can help them build healthy ways of understanding and navigating grief.
Over time, the intensity of grief often softens, but the love and memories they shared with their pet will always remain a part of their history. Supporting your child through their first experience of loss isn’t about learning how to take their sadness away; it’s about helping them discover they don’t have to face it alone.
