Whether through job loss, illness, or something else entirely, not working can be a huge source of stress. Here’s how to help someone who is going through it…
The UK unemployment rate was recorded at 4.4% earlier this year, with the rate of economic inactivity (those who are neither employed nor actively seeking work) at 21%. This means that there is a good chance that you might know of someone who is out of work at the moment, be that due to redundancy, retirement, long-term sickness, or a myriad of other reasons.
Not working can bring a tidal wave of emotions. It can plummet self-worth, cause financial worries, impact relationships, and bring feelings of anger, frustration, and fear. It can also carry grief, as we mourn the things we may have lost from a previous job (be that fulfillment, friends, or a sense of security), and any aspirations and hopes that were wrapped up in the connection to work. So, how can you support someone who is struggling?
Listen first
Author and psychotherapist Eloise Skinner recommends listening first before offering any kind of response. “Allow your friend to talk through whatever aspects of the experience are on their mind, without pushing them for further disclosure,” she advises. From this, it will be far easier to gauge what your loved one needs from you – whether that’s some soothing words, a cuddle, or more time to vent. Before you respond, be mindful of the dynamic of your relationship, and remember that not everyone will be looking for you to solve their problems. They might just need someone to validate their emotions.
Say something supportive
Eloise says that the way you talk to a friend should be led by what you know about them, and their particular situation. If you’re able, let them know that you’re there if they need you by sending a message or picking up the phone. Asking what they need of you might not always get an answer, especially if they are feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Instead, gently show you care by popping over with a homemade meal you know they love, or inviting them out for some fresh air.
For someone who has lost their job, you might say: ‘I’m sorry to hear that. You are so [talented, capable, etc.] that I’m certain new opportunities will be waiting for you.’ One note of caution from Eloise: it’s best to avoid sharing your experiences of unemployment or losing a job, unless you know it would be reassuring for them specifically. Even if you have good intentions, it’s better to say something comforting as opposed to making it about yourself.
Offer practical support
While leaping to solutions can feel dismissive of their emotional experience, there may still be value in helping out with tasks to reduce stress levels. Consider asking if they are open to hearing how you can help, and make some suggestions. This could include childcare to allow them to complete job applications, helping them update their CV, accompanying them to medical or benefits appointments, or providing transport so that they can get to a volunteering role. Often, these small gestures can help to shift someone from hopeless to hopeful.
Long-term support
Depending on the circumstances, your friend could be out of work for months, years, or perhaps even permanently, which can lead to profound identity shifts and social isolation. This means you may want to plan for sustainable support. Consider checking in on them regularly, but not always to talk about their work situation. This could be anything from a weekly exercise class to a monthly coffee date. Help them celebrate the small wins that don’t necessarily relate to careers, whether that’s doing an online course, building a new habit, or creating a piece of art. Helping them connect with a sense of purpose is key.
Take care of yourself, too
Supporting someone through all this is a tall order – so know that it’s totally normal to feel emotionally drained from the process. Remember that you can be supportive and understanding without needing to take on responsibility for solving their situation.
As with any relationship, boundaries around your capacity can protect your energy. Try to be aware of how the role of supporter is impacting your emotions. Do you find it exhausting trying to maintain an optimistic outlook when your friend is always thinking of the worst-case scenario? Are you frustrated that they don’t take your advice? These feelings are natural, and may require you to build your own support network to process any second-hand stress you’re experiencing. Talking with friends, or a trained therapist, can create space for you to express your feelings safely, in order to continue to be there for your loved one in a way that works for both of you.
