Find a balance between saltcoating and sugarcoating

When you get tired of sugarcoating your words, you might venture into ‘saltcoating’ instead – but here’s how to sprinkle honesty into your conversations, without stirring up any drama…

There’s a particular rush that comes when you allow yourself to be brutally honest. Maybe it’s the build-up before you say the thing you’ve been rehearsing all day, or the sense of relief that follows – after all, honesty is the best policy, right?

In close relationships, truthful moments like these can feel overdue, and even empowering, especially if it feels like you’ve been biting your tongue for a long time. Yet there’s also the chance that some brutal honesty could land as painful blows, rather than creating a clear path forward, as intended.

What is saltcoating?

You’ve no doubt heard of ‘sugarcoating’ your words to help deliver difficult news, but opposed to sprinkling some sweetness into your communications to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, saltcoating goes in the opposite direction. It can be presented as being candid and direct, but often, strays too far into harsh or overdramatic as a means to deliver an impactful point. Essentially a form of ‘destructive feedback’, saltcoating delivers the truth – with added bite.

Whether it’s confronting your sister for not including you in her birthday celebrations, or calling out your friend for embarking on yet another questionable situationship, research shows this kind of salty communication can cause relationship ruptures. In particular, a 2022 paper published in PLOS One states that the effects are worse when hurtful communication is intense and frequent, or when the comments are perceived as intentionally hurtful.

So, when faced with a tricky conversation, you may want to try a softer approach...

Is sugarcoating any better?

One of the problems with sugarcoating in relationships is that it doesn’t always succeed at communicating effectively. In fact, it can downright alter the meaning of what you say, and be misleading to the other person.

Let’s say your friend cooks you a pizza with mushrooms on it, which you hate. If you sugarcoat your response and tell them it’s delicious, you could end up eating mushrooms the next time they cook, and so the little lie becomes something you have to keep on performing, or, address further down the line and explain why you lied in the first place, which could damage trust or act as a blow to their self-esteem.

The question then becomes, do you really want to build a friendship on false information, just to shield them from hurt?

While, at best, sugarcoating can be an attempt at kindness, at worst, it could be viewed as a form of manipulation – trying to communicate in a way that controls the other person’s experience, instead of allowing them to have their own authentic reaction. Often, the craving to sugarcoat is rooted in people-pleasing, and the desire to avoid conflict at all costs.

“For many, this pattern began in childhood,” says counsellor Carolyn Hextall. “Love may have felt conditional, and an unconscious decision was made that being pleasing, agreeable, or undemanding was the safest route to acceptance and connection.”

In adulthood, this early adaptation can continue to play out. You might notice that you would rather validate others, stay quiet, or soften your truth because you fear the consequences of voicing your own thoughts. But the attempt to maintain external peace can come at the cost of internal turmoil. “Over time, this can erode authenticity, and leave us feeling unseen or resentful,” says Carolyn.

Say what you really think

Although every situation is unique, research does suggest that, as humans, we tend to underestimate how positively people are likely to respond to open, direct, and honest conversations about relationship concerns. The research, published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology in 2024, notes that this negative bias can create a barrier to communication, stopping us from confronting issues that would strengthen our relationships.

This means that, perhaps unsurprisingly, sugarcoating and saltcoating are two extremes that are better off avoided. What’s more important, is that you tell the truth in the clearest way possible.

Choose your words wisely

When it comes to having honest conversations, it can be helpful to do some self-reflection before you open up. This way, you get clear with your own thought patterns and reasoning, which makes it easier to articulate the issues you’re bringing up.

Carolyn suggests one powerful question to ask yourself: ‘If I imagine looking back from one year in the future, what might be the impact of giving honest feedback here? And what might be the impact of sugarcoating, and holding back?’ This works because it allows you to zoom out to the bigger picture.

Carolyn then suggests thinking about how the other person is likely to receive what you have to say. “Think about the beliefs they hold about themselves, and how your feedback might be filtered through their personal paradigm, or view of themselves,” she says. “If your friend tends to hold a negative view of themselves, then feedback delivered as tough love may unintentionally reinforce their limiting beliefs. This can easily trigger defensiveness or withdrawal.

“On the other hand, your friend may have a more elevated or superior view of themselves, with a strong sense that their perspective is right and justified. Feedback with this friend may also activate defences, but, in this case, you may find yourself the recipient of angry or attacking behaviour.”

To avoid unnecessary conflict or misunderstandings, Carolyn suggests refraining from global, absolute statements such as ‘you always’ or ‘you never’.

“These imply a character flaw and tend to trigger defensiveness very quickly. Instead, be specific in your feedback, and use ‘I’ statements, which clearly communicate your experience, but without assigning any blame.”

For example, you might say: ‘When you said you’d meet me and then cancelled, I felt upset, hurt, and rejected.’ This centres your emotional experience, and helps the other person understand the impact of their behaviour, without name-calling or accusations.

Craving resolution

If things do get heated or emotional, and harsh truths slip out in the moment, this can still be a valuable growth opportunity if repair is managed effectively.

“Start by naming what happened, and acknowledge your part in it,” says Carolyn. “You might say: ‘I can see that what I said was hurtful, and I am sorry if I upset you.’

“Explain the intention behind your words, as this can help your friend understand your motivation. Something like: ‘I was trying to be honest, as I know you would have been hurt if you’d found out another way.’”

Remember, we all experience life through our specific psychological lens, so validating their experience is essential.

Done well, honesty doesn’t have to bruise, or bend the truth. It can become a way of speaking that deepens trust, strengthens connection, and leaves both people feeling understood.