Welcome to Anxiety on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of living with anxiety. In this edition, Ceylan Monteith, 33, a life and mindset coach from North London, shares her story…
Ceylan Monteith as told to Fiona Fletcher Reid
As a self-employed mother-of-one, my life is packed with responsibilities. I’m also seven months pregnant, so there seems to be plenty to be anxious about at the moment.
Mornings are when my anxiety impacts me the most, as I normally have a long list of tasks to squeeze into a short amount of time. My daughter spends Mondays with my mum, which gives me time to focus on work, and this morning I have a call with my business coach. These conversations are always a mix of excitement and overwhelm – I have so many things I want to do with my business, but have limited time and resources to make it happen. Talking these things through with someone who ‘gets it’ really helps, but the rest of the day feels a little scattered, and I end up having to give up on completing some tasks and adding them to tomorrow’s list. That makes me feel worse, because I’m already apprehensive about the next day.
But I know I can cut through that worry by taking some time away from my desk, so I do something counterintuitive: instead of working harder, I take a break and go to a reformer Pilates class at lunch. It’s not easy to do this on days when I’m anxious. Everything inside me wants to stay glued to my laptop as a way of coping, but I ‘trick’ myself into committing to it by booking online so that if I don’t turn up, I’ll be charged a cancellation fee. It gets me out of the house, allows me to move my body, and reminds me that my world won’t fall apart if I go offline for an hour.
Juggling parenting with work is difficult for most people, I think. On one hand, I love the experience of walking my daughter to nursery before I log on for the day, because it brings me so much joy listening to her chat about the weather or what she’s excited about – it’s the perfect way to start the day! But, on the other hand, when I have to drop everything, cancel a client call, and collect her early because she’s unwell, it can be quite intense trying to manage it all. I’ll always prioritise my daughter in these moments, but it’s an added stressor when I then have to catch up with work later that evening once she’s asleep, especially as I’m so tired all the time at this stage of the pregnancy. Logging on later is something my body actually physically pushes against, and I feel real resistance to trying to work in the evenings.
It’s my birthday on Wednesday, and my daughter is feeling better, so we take the day off with my husband to visit a museum and have lunch together. The sun is shining and the food is delicious, yet my anxiety is the worst it’s been all week. I always put a lot of pressure on birthdays being ‘special’, but, if I’m being honest, being heavily pregnant makes everything feel harder. It’s nice to be out celebrating, but it does trigger some anxiety because it’s disrupted my routine.
My win here, though, is being completely offline, disconnecting from work tasks, and being present with family, especially with it being our last one as a family of three.
The end of the working week passes in a blur. One day, I have to work in a hospital waiting room whilst a close family member gets a procedure done, which was planned ahead of time and goes well, but, nonetheless, is a pretty nerve-racking way to spend the day.
By the time I’m waking up on Friday, I’m exhausted, but looking forward to spending the day with my daughter. I love to let her lead the way, so depending on the weather and what she fancies doing, we might go for lunch, soft play or the park, or do some arts and crafts. It always feels freeing to focus on her without distractions.
The weekend comes, and I’m relieved to have some ‘me time’ blocked off in the diary. I pamper myself with a long-overdue haircut and squeeze in another reformer class, too. With the baby due soon, I’m aware this is my last chance at having some alone time for a while, so I really make the most of it by ordering myself a smoothie and a slice of cake. I even maximise my car ride by listening to a couple of podcast episodes I’ve been looking forward to! Having the chance to fill my cup up means I manage to let go of the anxiety from the week and ease into the weekend.
As the week comes to a close, I have to admit that the anxiety hasn’t ever fully gone away. But I think I’ve grown beyond needing that to be the case. Rather than trying to control it or get rid of it, I’ve learned to approach it with healthy curiosity. And because I’m not fighting the anxiety so much, strangely, it seems to pass more quickly.
In these situations, I can remind myself that being in my third trimester with a toddler, working, with hormones flying around and not sleeping very well – having anxiety makes sense! It’s just that I don’t have to let it rule my life.
