8 ways to stop a jealousy spiral

Set yourself free from jealously with these tips

We’ve all experienced it – those sudden pangs of jealousy, whether they relate to a colleague who’s just bagged a coveted promotion, or the neighbour whose supersized geraniums make yours look positively spindly. The good news? Jealousy is something that affects us all, and there are benefits to this emotion, too. We spoke to the experts to find out how to prevent feelings of jealousy overpowering us – and how to harness them in the right way.

1. Understand your jealousy

Understanding why we experience jealousy can help us decode these feelings, says Dr Elena Touroni, consultant psychologist and co-founder of the Chelsea Psychology Clinic. “Jealousy is a natural emotional reaction we often have when we feel something is threatened,” says Dr Touroni. “It goes back to early infant development, when we were dependent on any kind of attachment figure. When there is an external threat, such as another person coming into the mix who might have a claim on this attachment figure, we might experience feelings of anxiety which provoke jealousy. To some extent, this reflects behaviour in the animal kingdom, where animals become territorial and protect what they see as theirs, such as resources necessary for survival.”

2. Own your jealousy

Showing your jealousy who is boss (which, to be clear, is you), makes it harder to get sucked into a jealousy spiral. “Acknowledge it,” urges Dee Johnson, addiction therapist at Priory Hospital Chelmsford, Essex. “It’s a human response and one we can perceive as ugly, so we may be ashamed, but acknowledging that internal stewing, and not bottling it up, can take the intensity out of it.”

3. Replace comparison with curiosity

Curiosity, it turns out, definitely did not kill the cat – it can actually be an incredibly useful tool. “Instead of asking ‘why them and not me?’, ask yourself what you can learn from the person in question,” says world-renowned therapist and best-selling author Marisa Peer. “How does their success, confidence, or happiness show me what’s possible for my own life? When you shift from comparison to inspiration, jealousy becomes a powerful guide.”

4. Embrace opposites

Dealing with urges to accidentally spill coffee over your recently promoted colleague’s paperwork or offload your jealousy on to a friend? Consider taking a walk or doing a crossword, suggests life coach Jo Irving. “When feeling jealous, you may have an urge to do something about it. “But doing the exact opposite can disrupt and weaken these feelings,” says Jo. “So, for example, instead of texting someone, turn your phone off.”

Jo also points out that it’s useful to know the moments when we’re most likely to experience jealousy. “Data shows that jealousy can occur throughout the lifespan, but times when we may feel more jealous can include periods when people are invested in peer groups, romantic relationships, or accruing social status, as well as in later adulthood, when we might be reliant on security.”

5. Fact check

Yes, Sarah from your reading group might well have suggested that her sister’s colleague’s cousin read Dan Brown’s latest book in the time it took you to finish the first chapter, but take a pause. “Always check the facts,” says life coach Jo Irving. “Often, it’s our interpretation of the events which can be wrong. Separate observable facts from assumptions and challenge yourself to think of alternative points of view.”

6. Reflection before reaction

Take the time to evaluate your response to jealousy, and what purpose it serves. “Ask yourself what you feel like doing in response to the jealousy, then ask whether that action would meet your underlying need,” says life coach Olena Lukyanova. However, don’t chastise yourself for considering what you later realise might have been a rash response. “Jealousy has a neurobiological basis,” points out Olena. “Many psychologists believe it evolved because it helped our ancestors protect relationships and resources. In other words, jealousy motivates us to protect what matters.”

7. Don’t feel guilty

Guilty feelings have a time and a place – for example, when you’ve used the last of the milk in your shared work fridge. Jealousy, meanwhile, is something you should never feel guilty about. “Jealousy is a normal human emotion,” says Marygrace Anderson, certified psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and founder of MG Hypnosis. “It isn’t something we should feel guilty about. I often describe it as information rather than a flaw – it might point towards a goal we’d like to achieve, or an area where our confidence needs strengthening.”

8. Harness your jealousy

It’s time to flip things up. See jealousy as a superpower – but one which should be used in the right way. “Start putting all that envy energy into enlightenment energy,” says therapist Dee Johnson. “Set goals and ambitions you want to achieve, and seek guidance and focus. You never know – this newly directed energy might drive you to achieve more than you ever expected. Think about the time you’ve spent ruminating about the person you’re jealous of and imagine how much mental and emotional energy you can put towards focusing on your own goals.”